For those who didn’t have a chance to check out my Story about Hida-Sashiko & my life, here is a summary of what had happened & what is going on even now. Upon the arrival to Takayama, I may start shivering and unsettled. It isn’t because of this tour, and it isn’t because of anything happening now. It is just my physical reaction to going back to somewhere my body/mind defines as “danger”. It is NOT dangerous to you at all, so please don’t worry about it.
I was raised in a house & store you will visit soon.
Everyone, including artisans & stakeholders, considered me as the next heir of their Sashiko Business - the 3rd generation. If it were a normal business/family setting, I should have been there welcoming you to Takayama - instead of leading you to Takayama, right?
It is true that Hida Sashiko once had become so powerful & influencial in the History of Sashiko. They elevated Sashiko to Art. Their Sashiko were not any longer “house chore” and “hobby”, thanks to those dozens of Artisans who worked for Hida Sashiko. You will see some of the residues when you visit a store. Unfortunately, though, nothing new has been produced to the level of the Art at this point.
Sashiko isn’t really the best material to make the “Money”. It is all hand-made. The difficulties of managing "deadlines", and workshop with (sometimes) difficult Artisans in other field.
I still don’t know how my grandmother had dozens of staff employees to handle the business in addition to more dozens of Artisans. In order to pay a salary, they need to make a stable income. For that, my grandmother was such a great & strong leader as a business person. My father, on the other hand, was more of a “soft” person who would rather enjoy stitching than focusing on power & money.
The contract of Powerful & Charismatic Grandmother vs Weak & Soft father motivated me to be like my Grandmother. I wanted to be successful in business. I wanted to “use” people by just saying words (such as “Move & Get it, and then you would get what you wanted”). As my father couldn’t become like my grandmother, and my grandmother kept telling him so often that he was such a disappointment in front of everyone, he escaped to Alcohol. His behavior with alcohol worsened the relationship with “his family” more rapidly.
Back then, I wanted to be like my grandmother - so I can expand the empire of so-called Hida Sashiko by using those who work “for” Sashiko. I really didn’t want to be like my father, and I remember I didn’t have respect for him in childhood.
Things change.
I grew up.
My grandmother aged.
My father get soften in drinking (as his body couldn’t take it).
I met Otsuchi Sashiko to realize the possibility of Sashiko.
I really wanted to preserve Hida Sashiko in a way to contribute to the Japanese culture - while keeping its sustainability for everyone who are part of it.
The business worsened toward 2010~2013.
However, not the worst, because the bank was still happy to offer a loan. We had some debt to pay back, but Tousan (similar to Chapter 11) wasn’t chasing us.
In 2013, my father started acting a bit strangely - but we didn’t pay attention because he always acted strangely when he was drunk (and he was often drunk). We tried to make some difficult decisions to keep the family together - like reducing the compensation to the family. Grandma said no - and he blamed my father.
After the meeting, I asked my grandmother:
“I understand that money is important & I respect it. However, grandma, which is more important, [Money] or [Family]?”
She said Money is more important than Family in a lightning second as if I was asking the wrong question. I kept asking “REALLY?”, and she was even laughing at how serious I was.
Well, to me, this wasn’t a question. It was just a hope to hear that all of her action was to protect family by having money - not for the “Money” itself. Her answer was a wake up call, and I started seeing everything differently.
Unfortunately, I woke up too late. Later in 2013, my father killed himself.
I know it wasn’t because of me, but I cannot stop blaming myself. It wasn't so big of deal from my perspective - it is just "money" in temporary setting. However, it happened in a a way that I never expected. As I was so scared of going back & facing the reality. It took 10 years to go back to Japan.
With his death, and Keiko & me being fired from the company Hida Sashiko within 30 days after his death (as Grandma knew I could be an strong & only enemy for the money she wanted to cling onto), I needed to adjust my memories.
I justified my horrible childhood because I really thought my grandmother wanted me to be a successful person in preserving Sashiko. I hated Sashiko, and I was sorry that I hated Sashiko in my youth. However, she didn’t care about my feelings at all.
I thought she loved Sashiko. I believed she enjoyed stitching with others.
In reality, I could see it was like a labor camp… when there was no other choice to work at (1960~1980 where no temp job was available for the cold Winter).
I thought she was so hard on us because she loved us… … but there was nothing behind me, my father, or anyone in Sashiko but… just “Money”.
Adjusting my memory & reconfirming my fate with Sashiko has been my last 10 years in the United States - and I realize that I need to “fight back” to the Sashiko I once used to respect sincerely (which I was seeing from another side of the coin).
So, I feel I am jumping into a nest of monsters (in my memories), although I am going back to my hometown. I know nothing will happen - but I need to numb my feelings so that I can manage my fear somehow & somewhere.
Please do not worry about me even if I have a physical reaction.
There is a reason I am not in the hometown where people “could” gather at one store with the same passion of Sashiko. Instead,
Life is so interesting.
Without this pain, I wouldn’t have met you in the way we have a good relationship with now.
I have no regret on anything I have done in the last 10 years & I live in the happiest moments of my life with Sashiko, family & friends like you.
It is just my challenge to overcome memory & PTSD.
I hope you enjoy Takayama & I will do my best to introduce as many good places & activities as possible! Of course, Sashiko, t00.
(Don’t worry about asking me any questions due to your kindness to support me emotionally. It is, in fact, probably helpful to talk about. So if you have any questions, I am more than happy to answer about my childhood & Hida Sashiko).